I am a fidget;
sitting still is not easy for me
and I can’t get comfortable
and then, there is my mind.
Regularly, I say to myself, that I hate my brain. I shouldn’t; we are not enemies, we are one and the same. It was created fearfully and wonderfully – that verse is not just about body image.
I have a brain which networks ideas, people, conversations, places and more; seemingly instantaneously. I have a mind that seeks out ways to release people, sifting through phrases to see their key barriers. I have a brain that creates, writes, draws, realises, seeks. Sometimes it feels as if I have a brain where finding the off button is impossible.
I am not so much anxious, more overwhelmed.
It is why I write, why I talk, why I need people to hear my ideas. Conversely, it’s also why I need space, silence, solitude.
Last week my mind actually ached! Worry invaded and so my creativity had become solution focussed, constantly thinking up ideas and options; I could not gain focus. It was as if mind maps were exploding in my brain and I was trying to walk down every path all at once. I was ratty, clumsy, clinging to inane TV and social media scrolling to try and numb my mind. Note to self- this only delays it does not deal!
I felt all colours of guilt; “I know I should go to God, but I haven’t spent time with him, and maybe if I just think this through, then I’d have space to think about him, to pray, but I can’t empty my mind…”. On and on and on and:
breathe. close the door. dim the light. open the book. read just a morsel.
“That’s enough”. I copy the verses into my journal, I say “thank you”, I close the journal. That’s the devotional time ticked off my to do list.
I saw at that moment what I was becoming: someone who can reel of verses, heart them on Instagram, write them as a status but not on my heart. Yet I know, it’s not about completing but about being. It is about allowing His presence to change my heart, my mind.
“Love so amazing, so divine,
Demands my soul, my life, my all”
I re-opened my journal, “draw close” “fix your eyes on me” “I am present in the challenge, the chaos”. My beautiful mind, knew instantly what to do.
I wrote everything out, everything in my mind. I walked down every line of thought with my pen, then back again to the centre. There a core truth emerged as I drew close and cleared away the clutter:
You are faithful, you are good, you provide, I am loved by you
and I was still