Finding Me 

Lately, I’ve been struggling with the motivation to write anything. I think every blogger I know goes through these times, not all of us know why. This weekend I have had some time away from home and I think that helps. Not that I don’t love my home – I do; just sometimes you need some fresh views.

I have put my lack of motivation down to four reasons: Priorities, Procrastination, Purpose and Passion. Simply put, the blog has not been my priority in the last month, and probably won’t be for the next few. My life at present is full of hen party planning, new job understanding, worship team gathering and panto line rehearsing! I love creating but in the midst of all this creating – I need moments for my brain to switch off. 

I am writing a talk for collective worship at The Archbishop’s School next week. As I wrote I was reminded about the ultimate priority of my life. The reason I exist; the words I anchor myself too when the waves get high.

To live in the fullness Jesus has won for me. To live abundantly. To bring Him glory

My ultimate priority is that. It may not make sense, but I can’t stray from what my heart holds fiercely to:

Today I am staying in a house with my greyhound friend. When I walk with him, he often walks right next to my thigh. Even sometimes resting the side of his head there. He stays close to me. I need to take time to walk that close, even closer.

In June I attended a retreat, during  verses about trees kept cropping up:

 And on the banks, on both sides of the river, there will grow all kinds of trees for food. Their leaves will not wither, nor their fruit fail, but they will bear fresh fruit every month, because the water for them flows from the sanctuary. Their fruit will be for food, and their leaves for healing.”

Ezekial 47

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This is my priority;  in the midst of my other commitments, being in the local pantomime, leading a team in church (and putting together a couple of events through it), my new job and organising a hen do; I need to take time to recalibrate and that sometimes means closing the computer down, seeing people IRL and planting my roots down. All these things are good; it just I choose to prioritise them before blogging.

I would be lying though if that was all it is. Sometimes I am actually tired, sometimes I am procrastinating. Scrolling through unnecessary facebook posts, binge-watching boxsets; crashing but not in a way which is restful or refreshing. There have been times I could have written, but I put it off.

I think the reason I have procrastinated, is because I lost my purpose. WHen I was trying to find out what the next season was for me, I did a lot of things in my own strength, joined lots of networks. listened to a lot of podcasts, pinned lots of ideas and projects to my online boards. I lost my purpose.

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Blogging, Social media became about me, it became about branding and curating and traffic – I lost who I was and why I did this. Don’t get me wrong – all those things are great, but this is not the season for a blog to be a career for me. I would love to write, I love seeing people change through my Arrow & Pen heart; but right now, that is done through relationship, songwriting and speaking opportunities. The times I have loved the most out of this confused season have been spending time with Lucy, Kara, Karen etc sharing real life and real struggles, cocktails and cake. We all write very different blogs – they may not even read what I write but it doesn’t matter because it’s not about them being friends because they follow me.

I wasn’t going to write al this, it seems something different is flowing through my fingers. What I wanted to write is about passion. I have written much though and won’t go on for longer. The passion post will come next – if it chooses to draw itself out.

Where was I – the last P: Passion. I realised I had lost my passion, the reason why I write. I thought if I wrote what people would like to read then I would get traffic for the times when I wanted them to read what I so wanted to write. Then I would hide it, scared of what people might think when they saw the real me. That’s not Fearless, that is not Brave and it is not the spirit behind Arrow & Pen.

I write because I am passionate, I write because I am an external processor and would go mad if I kept it all in or would derive something mad talking it all out!

I write because I always have done, I write because I have a gift to teach, I write because I have a gift with wordplay and a conviction to challenge lies and fear.

I’m finding my passion again, and it might not fit a ‘niche’, it might not attract sponsors and maybe just my nearest and dearest will read it. Somehow that feels a lot more freeing than anything else it could be!

I am Lou,

This is Arrow & Pen

Thank you for reading.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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