“There are days, there are days when your life clouds over,
and the world gets so dark; that all at once you can’t tell night from day”
This is quite possibly my favourite song from a musical; it is most definitely one of my favourite lines. Sung in Act 2 of Miss Saigon it depicts the turmoil of Ellen’s thoughts and feelings having found out her husband fathered a child in Vietnam. It’s her reaction to meeting the women her husband once loved and possibly still loves but never thought he’d ever see her again. Except, now it is a song unsung. First, these lines changed, now the song itself has been removed from the musical. In my opinion, both the line and now the song change, miss the beauty and imagery that this one line produced; and it doesn’t feel like Ellen. Even with that which we love, we sometimes we need to embrace change.
I’ve been toying with a thought for a while now. I didn’t know I was, but now I see that every time I thought the thought, I made a mental post-it note to remind me to think on it deeper when I had the time. Now a myriad of post-it notes have filled the wall of my mind. Light has grown dim and I’m not sure quite what it is I’m thinking. The only way forward, its to take them down one by one and clear the darkness away.
I’m a big believer in knowing why I am invested in something. If I know and it sparks passion in me, then I am committed, all in, loyal. If I am unsure, I lack passion. Whilst I love writing, I love creating, I loved coming up with this blog; my passion is waning. When I lack passion, my words cease. My words have ceased; I am not sure what I am writing or why I am writing anymore. I am disconnected. It’s as if I am trying to sing the words to the new song and I don’t feel it anymore; it’s not the Ellen I knew.
This disconnection means I start but I don’t finish. I lack passion, creativity, words. I lack the focus. I am disconnected from my passion and I am disconnected from my words.
On the other hand, I am too connected. Work has changed; I create a lot more, I emotionally give out more, but also on my computer more. I know what inspires me, only often I feel I have not the energy to engage with it. I know what inspires me, but when I fill up I just want to spend time enjoying that moment. If I come to overflow in writing it either feels too personal to put in the arena or I’m just… (I’m not sure tired is the word. I am somewhere between lethargic, unbothered and uninspired. Lackadaisical perhaps). Instead, I connect in ways that don’t inspire, namely boredom swiping every social media platform available. This does is not true rest or true inspiration.
More importantly than all of this, I am disconnected from my source of inspiration. I am not making time to fill up on Him I am not recharging well. I remain uninspired. I do not write.
Still, I remained hopeful.
I remained because I thought I just needed to press pause for a while. I remained because there were prophetic words about writing. I remained because people like when I write and because I had half written posts. I remained and every time I did not post, or thought about this blog, shame took a foothold. To combat shame, striving took hold; ‘musts’ and ‘ought’s’ and ‘goal setting’ filtered my vocabulary. With each week that passed sans-post, shame chalked up a victory mark! It even bought its friend doubt along for the party. My wall began to fill with notes, and for a while it got dark. Passion and inspiration couldn’t thrive in that place. I ignored the notes, I was on a pause, I would press play next time.
As I took the first post-it note off my mental wall, I knew very clearly that this is about a stop, not a pause. A pause is a hesitation, momentary, a certainty that play will once again resume. I do not have certainty. I need to push shame back. For me, pushing shame back is having faith that if I press stop, I will be ok. I have not lost hope, rather hope has been reborn! I often write about the seasons, this is me acknowledging the final stage – letting go and maybe something new will grow. The lyrics of the song have changed, and I need to stop trying to sing it. Most of all, I need to spend time with my source of inspiration, not to be able to write a blog but to just be filled again – regardless of where the overflow is directed.
I am not saying in stopping, this is the end. Arrow & Pen will exist. Perhaps here and there I may write something, share something. It is the tie that I am pressing stop on; that and the scheduling, the feeling that I need to blog, or be a blogger. In conclusion; I am letting go, but I am letting go in faith that something new will grow.
Hope has been reborn.