I’ve been trying to write this post for a while now, months in fact, but nothing seemed to flow. I wrote the first line, a million times, each one refused to continue, refused to open up thoughts. Stuck in drafts, yet all I had was a title and a thought
I probably had something else in mind, something more thought out, when I first wrote the title and logged the thought. Be that as it may, the stream of consciousness is long gone from my mind. So this will be, what it will be…
I think that I’ve realised, that the place I come most alive is in performing arts. Whether it is though singing, acting or spoken word or even leading worship on a Sunday*. This is where I feel most ‘me’. The rush of adrenaline maybe, or just that for one moment I am so focused that I can’t let my brain be anywhere else but in the present. Yet it is not just when I perform that I come alive. This week I was privileged to watch Jeffrey Bernard is Unwell at The Arden Theatre. It was an exceptional performance. Yesterday I hosted a talent show as part of Hope 2018. Again I felt alive watching the acts.
God often catches my attention in these moments. A line strikes my heart and sets off a thousand sparks all lighting different thoughts. This is the story of the line which stuck me on my 36th birthday, and has continued slow burn in my mind.
To mark my 36th year, I got to see the show I’d been obsessing about since returning from NYC in 2015! Six rows back, on the left hand side of the beautiful Victoria Palace, the story of Hamilton unfolded before me… “just you wait, just you wait”
It. was. incredible
Everything I wanted it to be and much more.
True to His character though, Jesus whispered to me during the show and planted a seed of thought which has been growing thought the year.
“You’re an orphan. Of course! I’m an orphan.”
Second song in, these words strike a match, but as of yet nothing is lit. It just burns…
The line is spoken by Hamilton in his first interaction with Burr. Asking him how he has got so far, so quickly, Burr replies that his drive was that “It was my parents’ dying wish before they passed.” to which Hamilton replies “You’re an orphan. Of course! I’m an orphan.” connecting their cause.
There was something in this, so I allowed the match to burn. As I watched the show, it became clear to my heart what God was trying to say. I just didn’t realise, it was for me. I think that’s why its taken so long to write. The realisation had to come.
Burr is obsessed with people pleasing, so scared to rock the boat that he always takes the middle ground. As remarked in Non-Stop he worries about “backing the wrong horse” and in The Election of 1800 Hamilton chooses Jefferson over Burr on the foundation that even though
“I have never agreed with Jefferson once, We have fought on like seventy-five diff’rent fronts. But when all is said and all is done, Jefferson has beliefs. Burr has none!”
His jealously for Hamilton, how hard he works and how much people like him, leads to destruction. Yet is Hamilton’s drive also fuelled by an orphan spirit. Burr appears to believe he has to please everyone, keep the peace. That is an orphan spirit. Hamilton is “non-stop” he has to prove he can do it. That too is fuelled by an orphan spirit. Never completely satisfied, never able to give himself completely to another person, but always to his work.
In the kingdom of God we are his children. Adopted. Chosen. Unconditionally Loved. Eternally Loved. Free. Yet do we, do I actually live with this truth, actually allow it to strike my heart and change my perspective. Or, do I believe I need to hide my real self from God and others, never wanting to rock the boat. Do I feel that I have to do certain things to keep him ‘pleased’. Do I believe He or life is being withheld from me as I see others get what I also want? Do I believe I have to perform to gain, work my self to the bone in case there is not enough to go around?
Do I have an orphan mindset? He says that’s not where I need to live from anymore
* I don’t mean to say that leading worship is performance but rather linking it the singing part of the arts!