You can’t hold me down

I’m on a train somewhere between Ebbsfleet and London on my way to something new, playing with my pen and notepad, aware I should write about how I am feeling right now. I know if I do, it will fire an arrow at the enemy which is desperately seeking to hold me back.

People often misunderstand, telling me that I must be so confident to have these adventures, to go alone; yet today (as most of the time) I’m on the train and my mind is battling the accusation rhetoric. I am silently very much not confident. The difference is, I’m learning to not give permission for fear to hold me down.

February was all about saying yes to new adventures, whether or not anyone came along with me. It has meant I have experienced some new things alone; yet I have not felt that I have experienced them lonely. There have been some twists and turns and a couple of unexpected adventures offered to me. Knowing I had made this month a promise, I felt more able to say yes to them. It has also given me confidence to say yes to Jesus about a 40 day challenge He presented to me for lent.

alone; yet I have not felt that I have experienced them lonely

On the lighter side it meant: sharing a piece of writing with a friend, making a fort with my niece, making A LOT of scones, getting a new bathroom(!), booking a retreat day, tried new cafes, taking a solo at choir, attending the amazing Confidence Lab (no photos because my phone went to hospital) and going to the Turner Contemporary alone;

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and it has led me here. I’m on a train somewhere between Ebbsfleet and London on my way to something new. I’ve tried to distract myself with reading, scrolling, listening to podcasts, yet all these do is overlay my fear, they don’t dispel it. Time to pull back the bow.

Last week my friends son was building his train set. One last link to go and it would have made a circle. Except he put the piece on ‘the wrong way around’ and so took the course in a new direction. I felt Jesus speak to me through this, encouraging me that the ‘track didn’t always have to be an endless loop’

I put the train track around the other way, allowing logic to come in. I’ve tried many new things this month and they’ve all been great, I’ve not felt alone… I fire arrows against the accusations that are fronting me.

Cut back to where I am going. It’s a networking breakfast run by Honoured Singles, it is set up to be welcoming, to honour and accept you in. I’ve never met any of them before but the minute I walk in, they are there ready to welcome. I know this, because I have an email telling me it. I place it against the bow and fire. It’s going to be fine.

Still, logic only goes so far. I close my eyes and slip into my citizenship, I recall who I am and whose I am. I tell him I’m scared, He tells me He knows and as the train pulls into the station, He takes my hand and walks with me.

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