I’ve been flipping through my journal this afternoon. Reading to see if any themes have formed over April that I can pack up and take into May. There are a few, most of which are to do with daily habits including a bold & underlined ‘learn your lines’ (for Choir & the play I am now in). What caught my attention though, spilling through the ink and smudging into many of my thought in an unwanted, obtrusive and messy manner was one tenet. One tenet which I don’t think I can escape from any longer, now I know it’s there.
I think I have said before that I struggle with overwhelm. Often it is because I have said ‘Yes’ to too much responsibility. This is something I am working on. As a enneagram type 2 trying to be healthy, I am learning I can be loved without being needed.
I talk less of the overwhelm which drives even deeper into the core of my soul. The overwhelm that comes when I don’t feel in control; when I know there is nothing left which I can do, when I don’t have the answers, when I know I need help. (Told you I was a Type 2!)
When this happens I find myself walking. I believe God created us to walk and talk with him daily and find the actual practice of this hugely effective in calming my whelm. Recently though, when I’ve had these times of ‘hanging out’, Jesus has given me one gracious command: “Just Stand”
For me as a doer, a fixer, a creative thinker, I struggle to be obedient to this. I’ll stand for a moment, then decide I know what to do and start doing, “no time like like the present!” Except that’s not true, it is that there is no time like His timing. And He keeps on; He keeps on graciously asking me to stand. More than that, He has made it very clear this is not just spiritual but a physical standing. To stand each day, and do nothing. So, I’m going to try, make a plan to do this. An endeavour to get over my discomfort, my personality even, and just stand. It’s to do with remaining in Him and fruit bearing I know that much.
Moses answered the people, “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still”
On Friday I had my first singing lesson in what must have been years. As I stood with my teacher, she encouraged me to sing the song I had bought once more, but to add something extra. That something extra was to ground myself. For me and my imagination it was to bolt my feet to the ground, to make an agreement with my soul and voice, I am not moving from this place. Yet grounding isn’t about being low. Rather it is about feeling the full support of the ground to then fully and securely expand the body in all directions. What this produced in me was a stronger, more confident sound. I haven’t heard my voice like that in so long, I didn’t even know it as me.
I think what God is encouraging by me standing; is first, that He will fight for me, freeing me from a need to control and a fear that if I don’t fight, I’ll get hit. Secondly in standing, I will root myself securely in Him and so He will expand my borders. Maybe He is to work in me a stronger, more confident sound for His glory. Something I’ve not heard in a long time, something unrecognisable but wholly Him through me.
To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory. He is the one we proclaim, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone fully mature in Christ. To this end I strenuously contend with all the energy Christ so powerfully works in me.