Have you ever made a decision and then realised a few weeks later, life has taken over and you have completely forgotten about that goal? Always? Thank goodness I’m in familiar company!
I wanted to upload every week in May. I even made that commitment to someone in a hope it would satisfy my ‘obliger’ tendency. Then I said ‘yes’ to a part in a play, then I said yes to a few other diary fillers and suddenly it’s two weeks later than I expected and nothing has gone up.
It’s not just that my diary is filled though, it is partly that my mind is not being inspired. As much as I am an extrovert for ideas, to actually get something completed I need to be alone. Otherwise I just keep getting ideas and nothing comes to fruition. I have not made time for my spirit to rest, slow down, seek what God is saying. Instead I have jumped from one adventure to another and in the gaps, tried to learn lines or escaped into the world of Mrs Maisel.
Yet, I don’t think it is even this that has truly kept me from posting. I think it is something else entirely that has caused me to procrastinate and walk away from the keyboard. I have something I want to write, I have it half written, only two people have seen it, and I am scared to put it out there. Putting it out there would be vulnerable, it would be a mask removed. More than that it would be potentially the start of something, or the end of something; and I don’t know which I fear the most.
I need to take the step, I know I do or it will frustrate me. I have spent too long weighing this up. I need to write the post that I also have in my mind, unwritten, unseen but will consume me if I don’t allow the process of pen to paper to release it.
This week I will write it up, the first, not the latter; that will have it’s time. The first is at least already alive. This week I will allow it to become, and next week I will allow it to be seen.